Meditation and Me

sometimes I see a bright light and within that light, I see myself.

at times I see a dark blue ocean, filled with specks of an unknown kind.

I see the light, it is bright and pink. I see that light, it changes to white, to green and then to violet.

I see butterflies and eagles and peacocks and sometimes two heads and two wings,two birds that share a body.

my head starts moving and there is a silent rhythm in the atmosphere.

my body jerks, it sways to a beat, sometimes it is fast and sometimes it repeats.

my smile wideness , my forehead hurts. my knees start wobbling and my arms go flat.

my hands, my hands, they have a tune of their own.  the mudras they form are so fascinating. it takes me by surprise every single time.

this is my moment, this is my time, this is me in my meditative state.

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Broken,but Alive

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke in a tiny bathroom.

I was cornered to the wall, with the tap hurting my back.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke when I believed in that smile.

I was asked to touch his penis, and he was touching my vagina.

I remember like It was yesterday, my trust broke when the 7 year old me could not run.

I was numb and could not scream, his mouth and moustache were covering mine.

I remember like it was yesterday,my trust broke when another put his hands in my underwear.

I was trying to wriggle and he held me down. Like I was a worm and he was a giant foot.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke on the road. 

I was riding my Honda and he was riding his manhood next to me. 

By then trust was lost somewhere and maybe even felt  isolated. There were many times it wanted to come back and stay put.

I remember like it was yesterday…… I promised myself that no one shall cross the wall, the wall I named trust.

Missionclothopad

Hygiene is taught to us right from childhood, have a bath they said, wash your feet they said, wash your hands before meals they said and we have this imbibed in us for years together. I can recite it like a mantra now and my kids are doing the same. 

Now, that I started talking about hygiene, let me take your attention to the feminine side of it. I remember when I started menstruating, my grandmother sat me down and explained to me in detail about the do’s and do not of those five days when my body goes through this -the process in a woman of discharging blood and other material from the lining of the uterus at intervals of about one lunar month from puberty until the menopause, except during pregnancy – a regular bodily function that is very vital and important to a women. she did not tell me about not touching the pickle, nor asked me to sit aside and away, nor did she stand 80 feet away from me. What she told me though is, it is crucial for me to rest and let my body do its job and to be ready for after. 

She mentioned during her days, they did not have good sanitation and had to sit aside in order to make sure that they dignity was preserved and also this was the time when most women experienced mood swings, pain, and many such complications. She said they had a room, that was called the inner room and ladies of the house sat here for 5 days and read a lot and rested a lot. 
However, that simple resting time was built up in bioscope mode and paved way to deep down myths about menstruation. for example – women cannot water plants, cause they will die(not us, but the plants) – she cannot touch pickle – she cannot enter a holy place – she cannot touch others – she cannot basically breath during those days! (my myth).
The same blood that bleeds during a birth of a child, that which is such an extraordinary moment is considered taboo when the same person menstruates. Don’t you all think it is high time we change this and bring in more awareness?!

Along with this awareness let us also join hands and start a movement, a mission is what I would like to call. Let’s pledge that not a single woman will die or a girl will be asked leave school and sit at home midway because she does not have access to proper care and proper hygienic cloth during the days that she bleeds. I was attending a seminar by Goonj the other day and I was appalled at the numbers that I saw and heard. Did you know that women use Ash, Grass, Rags and Cow dung to cover the blood? and Did you know that 10 women use the same cloth for their days?? The girl child is stopped from attending school, cause she cannot afford to cover herself up and has to stay put at home? Women have died, cause they have had centipedes crawl up and they got infected??? This has to stop! 

Only 12% of us use sanitary napkins or menstrual cups and the other % just sits there thinking of ways to cover themselves up. What can you do? Please stay tuned to this page. A few friends of mine and I are going to join hands with Goonjand also as a collective group we are going to launch a #Missionclothpad trust and will start collecting cotton material and make pads that will be distributed to women and girls who need them yesterday! will keep you all posted and thank you for reading this.

my parents are my kids

read an article about a week ago about how it is be a daughter of ageing parents and that got me thinking and writing.

As a daughter i always thought of my parents to be super humans (yes even though i am 36,i still do think that way),never imagined a day where i would be sitting in an ambulance with dad strapped to machines and a nurse constantly checking his pulse. it was a day full of machines and doctors and medicines. the day my father became so vulnerable, he was in the ICU and was strapped to a machine that reads his pulse going from 74 to 134 and to an oxygen mask,two bottles of saline going into his delicate hands and to top it all a chemo that went from better to worse. here i was in a room full of strangers staring at the strong man,who even in that condition was smiling at me and not letting me break down. he was so strong and was so in the father role, his eyes did not blink for a second when i was around. he kept on telling me,that he is going to be ok. 

there at home my mother was cooking for my kids and doing everything in her state to be calm, every time i called her to tell her “ma,nana is ok” she would turn around and tell me “don’t worry,everything happens for a reason”. she was keeping up the face for me,her daughter and she was going through an emotional battle inside. she was making sure i was fine and was in a position to handle her husband and my father. she was trying not to think of a son she lost and trying not to think about how he would have been as a rock to support her. that day and that moment,the only thing she tuned her mind to was her husband getting better and her daughter getting him home. see,even here. she tells me ” go have food and tell nana to rest till you come back”.

how do they do that,our parents? how do they become these super humans? i used to ask myself. then i realised that one day we all become them and they in turn become the ones who look into our eyes and say “take this torch and carry it forward”. these days i am the one who tells them to stop fighting with each other and watch T.V in silence, I am the one who decides what they get to wear when they go out. I took my father shopping the other day and bought him underwear and pyjamas! I am the one who forces my mother to go for a walk and will not hear a no! how did we become parents to our own parents and when?!

nothing prepares you to be a daughter to your elderly parents. you just go with the flow and fit the shoes. i am glad that i have both of them with me today and glad that i have many more years to learn from them.

amma and nana gave up their dreams and ambitions for me,my mother like every other mother in the world, worked 24/7 to give my brother and me a great life and brought us up to be good human beings,she traveled back and forth for 6 hours everyday  to work, just so that she would give us the life she thought we deserved and she did it like a BOSS!.My father took up the rest and made sure we were always happy and content in what we had. He took up cooking, so that amma could get a break and was the face to greet us when we got back home with a hot cuppa tea and pakodas 🙂

the time has come for me to become the strength for them, to give them everything that i can give,to provide for them in the best way possible. I am indebted to them for life and i will serve them till the last day,the last breath and till my last thought. my parents are immortal and so are yours.

regrets anyone

there are times when i wonder if I regret things that i did in the past? I keep comforting myself that it is ok to regret, I say or think, that if I did not do things my way, then I would not be here today. but then again, this thought crosses my mind, what if life had a different path for me and I choose not that but that one I thought was suitable?

did we ever wonder what would have happened if we would have taken the other route? i never used to wonder about that, up until now. these days i keep thinking about it all the time. today when i look back at my life, there are many things that i would have changed. I am no more the person who says ” i do not regret a single thing in my life”.  i regret about 10 years of my life. if i had to re live those 10 years, i would do everything different.

not that there was no one to tell me, there was my mother a living example on how to lead a life with dignity and pride and there were others. but, it did not matter to me at that time.so, these days i am making a list of things that i did wrong or did in a hurry and trying to get them right.

i hope by the time i am 45, i would have done half of those things and make myself and my conscience feel better.

P.S – this post is as confusing to read as my mind right now.

mother and child and the teacher called life

Being a mother is the toughest, the most satisfying role and a very emotional one. I often keep thinking what is the right way or parenting and what is the wrong. seeing my friends and family and seeing how they treat their kids has always been a fascination for me. this is the time I get to check and take away those precious lessons.

my elder son who is 10 now has taught me numerous times that being a parent is a learning experience. he is always adjusting to my needs and is someone who never demands too much of my time. however, my younger on (who is soon going to be the middle child) is very demanding. he needs me next to him 24/7 and is always on his toes. like last night, it took me 3 hours from 9 pm to 12 am to put him into bed.

from the elder one I learnt to be more relaxed and appreciate the life around me and from the younger one I learnt to be alert and also active, both in a way are the yin and yang energy in my life.

Kids teach us many things and when we try and pick up those signs, it works wonders. Like the younger one (lets call him YE) and the OE were watching T.V, they started to fight and the OE called the YE a bad boy. my YE immediately looked at his brother and said ” don’t call me bad boy,it is a bad word”. I was amazed at the four year old’s thought process. in a way and actually in every way what he said was correct. instead of calling him a bad boy, all the OE had to do was tell him that what he was doing was wrong and find way to set it right.

sometime ago while my YE was playing with his cousin, both of them got tired of each other and started to fight over toys. YE refused to share his toys with his cousin. I did not go near them as kids learn to deal with each other and sometimes it is better not to interfere. so someone looked at my YE and this someone is very close to him and said “if you do not share toys with your cousin, i will not talk to you”. my YE felt very sad and reluctantly shared his toys with his cousin. I did not like this and was not in a position to point out the mistake made by the elder. However, i did tell YE that he has to learn on how to share his things and sometimes it is OK not to and never ever listen to someone who makes you sad. It was difficult to explain to a 4 year old about emotional blackmail,I hope to soon very soon.

parenting is a choice that we made, when we first saw that positive line on the stick or when that blood test came positive. we made a choice to bring someone into this world and we need to make sure that give it our best.

discover and stop and discover

Many years ago when a class teacher asked me what I wanted to do? when I grew up, I told her I wanted to be everything. She said there is nothing called everything and then I said, I will be a hindi teacher.that answer satisfied her and the others around her.

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Today – I am not a hindi teacher, but I am everything other than that! I am mother,wife,daughter and many roles in the family. I am friend and that someone to lend a shoulder or arm or water when you laughing out loud or need a break. I am a budding entrepreneur, visual artist, jewelry maker, blogger,dream teller,Reiki practitioner,Tarot Card reader and more. I am not famous all around the world, i am famous in my home and and in my heart.

There is never a stop in your life, there is always a comma which is followed by a stop when you want to. Why should we stick to one and limit our selves? Let us explore ourselves and learn as many things as we can. I was a call center agent, then a trainer, then a business analyst , then an AD, then a home maker, then an actor,then a writer and then a few more. It gives me pride and pleasure that there are so many things I learned  I might not be an expert in all, but i did what my heart told me and i am happy. Yes, once in a while self praise does not hurt. it makes us swell with pride and makes us look for more beautiful things,adventurous paths and roads that have been never crossed.

Personally there a few people who shared this journey with me and one day i will find the ones who are missing and thank them and the ones who are still with me are my inspirations to live and love life.