Unburdening in a Dream.

Our kids and us were standing on the road, a bus came and stopped in front of us. There got down a family of 7 and a little girl with the face of an angel, the little girl was fascinated by the tire of the bus. She walked up to it and held on to it. The bus started moving and the girl was crushed under one of those tyres, just one circle and a life was lost. No one to be blamed, no one did this on purpose, not even the bus.

After a while, the five of us are travelling in our car, my husband was sitting behind me and had his feet up my seat. I tell him, “please remove your feet from my back, you are hurting me and causing me pain”. He does that and just then we see a huge mountain and then it turns into a valley. We see a river crisscrossing across the valley, flowers in bloom and we hear laughter.

Not the shrieking kind, but a soft laughter and then it becomes from one to two to three to ten. We look around us and I see we are surrounded by the little girl and her friends. They look like fairies, they look so radiant, that I start crying and that is when I hear someone say “forgive”. I turned around to see where the voice came from, my family was missing and the car,  after a while there was just silence…

I stood there on top of a hill and screamed as loud as I can “I forgive you, I forgive you, I……forgive myself too”.



I have lost my blood,I have lost my dear men, I have lost too many people and emotions. I have lost myself in the abys for centuries. I am no longer willing to lose myself or the ones I love. I am going to reclaim and fiercely protect and hold on to my happiness and my love and my soul. Anyone, anywhere, be it a negative thought, emotion,person or a thing. If these individually or as a whole try and come to push me back or steal my soul. I will not let that happen,i will not let no one steal myself away from me.

I am the warrior tribe, I am me.


Under the starlit sky, we sat together, many nights we spent in silence.

Nothing seemed awkward then, nothing seemed unrealistic, nothing seemed heavy.

Under the starlit sky, on a full moon night you and I spent time together in the same silence.

This time everything felt uneasy, everything felt down, everything felt heavy and my senses were drowning.

I know you do not have the time for me right now, I know you need your being first.

I know you are struggling with these emotions as I am.

We both are in the same path, walking towards the setting sun.

Hoping deeply that the moonlight takes away our pain and the cries are heard across the seas.

Once we walked hand in hand…

Today we walk a little apart….

Knowing deep inside, that this path will leads us to the same place…. to a new dawn.

A place where we two meet and bear our souls and become one.





Meditation and Me

sometimes I see a bright light and within that light, I see myself.

at times I see a dark blue ocean, filled with specks of an unknown kind.

I see the light, it is bright and pink. I see that light, it changes to white, to green and then to violet.

I see butterflies and eagles and peacocks and sometimes two heads and two wings,two birds that share a body.

my head starts moving and there is a silent rhythm in the atmosphere.

my body jerks, it sways to a beat, sometimes it is fast and sometimes it repeats.

my smile wideness , my forehead hurts. my knees start wobbling and my arms go flat.

my hands, my hands, they have a tune of their own.  the mudras they form are so fascinating. it takes me by surprise every single time.

this is my moment, this is my time, this is me in my meditative state.

Broken,but Alive

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke in a tiny bathroom.

I was cornered to the wall, with the tap hurting my back.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke when I believed in that smile.

I was asked to touch his penis, and he was touching my vagina.

I remember like It was yesterday, my trust broke when the 7 year old me could not run.

I was numb and could not scream, his mouth and moustache were covering mine.

I remember like it was yesterday,my trust broke when another put his hands in my underwear.

I was trying to wriggle and he held me down. Like I was a worm and he was a giant foot.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke on the road. 

I was riding my Honda and he was riding his manhood next to me. 

By then trust was lost somewhere and maybe even felt  isolated. There were many times it wanted to come back and stay put.

I remember like it was yesterday…… I promised myself that no one shall cross the wall, the wall I named trust.


Hygiene is taught to us right from childhood, have a bath they said, wash your feet they said, wash your hands before meals they said and we have this imbibed in us for years together. I can recite it like a mantra now and my kids are doing the same. 

Now, that I started talking about hygiene, let me take your attention to the feminine side of it. I remember when I started menstruating, my grandmother sat me down and explained to me in detail about the do’s and do not of those five days when my body goes through this -the process in a woman of discharging blood and other material from the lining of the uterus at intervals of about one lunar month from puberty until the menopause, except during pregnancy – a regular bodily function that is very vital and important to a women. she did not tell me about not touching the pickle, nor asked me to sit aside and away, nor did she stand 80 feet away from me. What she told me though is, it is crucial for me to rest and let my body do its job and to be ready for after. 

She mentioned during her days, they did not have good sanitation and had to sit aside in order to make sure that they dignity was preserved and also this was the time when most women experienced mood swings, pain, and many such complications. She said they had a room, that was called the inner room and ladies of the house sat here for 5 days and read a lot and rested a lot. 
However, that simple resting time was built up in bioscope mode and paved way to deep down myths about menstruation. for example – women cannot water plants, cause they will die(not us, but the plants) – she cannot touch pickle – she cannot enter a holy place – she cannot touch others – she cannot basically breath during those days! (my myth).
The same blood that bleeds during a birth of a child, that which is such an extraordinary moment is considered taboo when the same person menstruates. Don’t you all think it is high time we change this and bring in more awareness?!

Along with this awareness let us also join hands and start a movement, a mission is what I would like to call. Let’s pledge that not a single woman will die or a girl will be asked leave school and sit at home midway because she does not have access to proper care and proper hygienic cloth during the days that she bleeds. I was attending a seminar by Goonj the other day and I was appalled at the numbers that I saw and heard. Did you know that women use Ash, Grass, Rags and Cow dung to cover the blood? and Did you know that 10 women use the same cloth for their days?? The girl child is stopped from attending school, cause she cannot afford to cover herself up and has to stay put at home? Women have died, cause they have had centipedes crawl up and they got infected??? This has to stop! 

Only 12% of us use sanitary napkins or menstrual cups and the other % just sits there thinking of ways to cover themselves up. What can you do? Please stay tuned to this page. A few friends of mine and I are going to join hands with Goonjand also as a collective group we are going to launch a #Missionclothpad trust and will start collecting cotton material and make pads that will be distributed to women and girls who need them yesterday! will keep you all posted and thank you for reading this.

my parents are my kids

read an article about a week ago about how it is be a daughter of ageing parents and that got me thinking and writing.

As a daughter i always thought of my parents to be super humans (yes even though i am 36,i still do think that way),never imagined a day where i would be sitting in an ambulance with dad strapped to machines and a nurse constantly checking his pulse. it was a day full of machines and doctors and medicines. the day my father became so vulnerable, he was in the ICU and was strapped to a machine that reads his pulse going from 74 to 134 and to an oxygen mask,two bottles of saline going into his delicate hands and to top it all a chemo that went from better to worse. here i was in a room full of strangers staring at the strong man,who even in that condition was smiling at me and not letting me break down. he was so strong and was so in the father role, his eyes did not blink for a second when i was around. he kept on telling me,that he is going to be ok. 

there at home my mother was cooking for my kids and doing everything in her state to be calm, every time i called her to tell her “ma,nana is ok” she would turn around and tell me “don’t worry,everything happens for a reason”. she was keeping up the face for me,her daughter and she was going through an emotional battle inside. she was making sure i was fine and was in a position to handle her husband and my father. she was trying not to think of a son she lost and trying not to think about how he would have been as a rock to support her. that day and that moment,the only thing she tuned her mind to was her husband getting better and her daughter getting him home. see,even here. she tells me ” go have food and tell nana to rest till you come back”.

how do they do that,our parents? how do they become these super humans? i used to ask myself. then i realised that one day we all become them and they in turn become the ones who look into our eyes and say “take this torch and carry it forward”. these days i am the one who tells them to stop fighting with each other and watch T.V in silence, I am the one who decides what they get to wear when they go out. I took my father shopping the other day and bought him underwear and pyjamas! I am the one who forces my mother to go for a walk and will not hear a no! how did we become parents to our own parents and when?!

nothing prepares you to be a daughter to your elderly parents. you just go with the flow and fit the shoes. i am glad that i have both of them with me today and glad that i have many more years to learn from them.

amma and nana gave up their dreams and ambitions for me,my mother like every other mother in the world, worked 24/7 to give my brother and me a great life and brought us up to be good human beings,she traveled back and forth for 6 hours everyday  to work, just so that she would give us the life she thought we deserved and she did it like a BOSS!.My father took up the rest and made sure we were always happy and content in what we had. He took up cooking, so that amma could get a break and was the face to greet us when we got back home with a hot cuppa tea and pakodas 🙂

the time has come for me to become the strength for them, to give them everything that i can give,to provide for them in the best way possible. I am indebted to them for life and i will serve them till the last day,the last breath and till my last thought. my parents are immortal and so are yours.