It does not heal!

Sethu Vijay Tanikella – Sept 15th 1977 – Oct 15th 2004

He would have turned 32 today,I would have been maybe in Bangalore and would have been anxiously waiting to call and wish hi.Say happy birthday Vijay and love you.I still do,the only difference is that i cannot hear his voice.But,I am sure i can feel his presence.

It has been 5 years since he gave up on his brat sister and took a journey upwards to heaven.I thought the pain would heal with time.But,it does not seem to go away.I now know that the next time i meet someone who lost their loved once never to say “time will heal”.

Remember Vijay the day Tinku and you got caught jumping the wall and that too caught by dogs and bites on that butt :).Remember the days when we used to go by rickshaw.you used to get down,make me sit in the rickshaw then pull it up from the end.”It felt like see-saw” i said.I still remember the day you got pissed off cause you got to know that I had a crush on that air force office.Oh you made such a hue and dry about it.You refused to let me talk to him or let him come home.That is the day i felt happy,happy cause I knew my brother would always make sure that I get the best and make me learn what is good and what is bad.I just cannot fathom why you left me so early.

We had no time to say goodbye,we had no time to talk about future,we had no time to sit and drink beer and you taking me out on an all paid shopping trip.The day after you left us,i opened your cupboard to find that rakhi i tied,the one which smelt of sandalwood :).I looked through anything and everything that still smelt of you.I yelled when amma gave your trousers and shirts to pavan.I yelled at my self for not being an attentive sister,I yelled at myself for not being able to reach you when you needed me the most.I yelled at myself to discover that you had a life of your own and I did not even bother to care and ask you how it is going on the personal front..

I want you back,I want you back with that stupid towel around you and walking around the whole house in it.I want you so that we could fight and kick each other.I want you to say “deepthi,I am here”.I want you to scream at me and yell at me when I do things wrong.I want you to just call and say “just checking”.I am selfish and i want you just for the selfish purpose.

Come back love,come back in dreams today,come back as breeze and hug me tight,come back as the harsh sun,come back as the gentle rain,come back as my son,just come back 😦

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5 thoughts on “It does not heal!

  1. Mayur says:

    Its 10 years now, and I still have my daddy's towel that I use every morning after a bath. The rest of those who have gone before us do not calm the unrest of those to follow. The beuty of life is you can always close your eyes and they will be right besides you. :)M

  2. Sumana says:

    My goodness Deepti, for once i dont know wht to say! i too join u in ur grief over ur bro and i can very well understand the 'loss'! i too will never say 'time will heal' and the place which become vacant cant b filled by anyone else! i can only wish for the strength for u to bear the 'pain' !

  3. TaChi says:

    mayur – i know what you saying and can understand.however sometimes i miss his presence :(sumana – thanks a lot for those words 🙂

  4. Nazeen says:

    Deepthi, Just read this.. Did not know VIjay for very long, but in the short while I knew him, I Knew him as someone I could talk to about anything, a friend I could call for help or just to have a chat nearly at any time.

    I was looking at a couple of old pics just the other day and was thinking about him. and today I read this…

    (((hugs)))

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