letter to 15 year old me

yo wassup D,

that was how your friends would call you right? you in torn jeans and loose tee’s.you always wanted to be a part of the yo crowd and in some way managed to be part of none.you know why D? cause you had a mind of your own even then.come on now,you had written your own personality when you were born.

that guy you like,thank the lord you did not go froward with it.one look at him now and you will go “hamaya”.he is fat, obsessed with money and lives in a gaudy house with his wife and kids”.i know you are going through a lot,rebelling,partying and wondering why you were not born in an ultra rich family.But,wait till the end with patience and you will know what a mother you have.she might not let you go out and hang out in the pubs like the other kids do,you are only 15! she has her reasons.

those guys you used to hang out with thinking they are you life support will not even be a part of your life when you are 30.in fact,those people are a part of the 15th year that is it.

the things that you do will not be with you for life.Please concentrate more on writing and don’t think it is just in your genes.try and concentrate more on the relationship with your bro,he will not be there for you in the year 2004 and you will miss him like crazy.

remember that kinetic Honda you had,keep that.you will need it in Bangalore in future.there is not much i would want you to change.however please give education 100%,i know it sounds bullshit to you.but,missy it will help you a lot.

and yes,please don’t give away anything like you are a fairy godmother.keep few things that are a must,like that horse shoe watch your bro bought for you or that pink tee that you bought with the first salary.they will mean a lot to you.alas last thing don’t be hard on yourself girl.all will work out in the end.you need a bit of love and care and that you are getting in abundance from your parents.

love you and will look forward to meet you again in 40’s


I was reading a book today and the thought that came to my mind “would this be well-preserved for my grandchildren?” I am 32 and grand kids are somewhere far.in fact my younger one is only 18 months and the elder 8.So,that thought was quite far stretched.However,i want my books,my little writings,to be there forever.imagine someone picks up the book after 50 years and goes “wow,my old woman sure had taste of i got that reading skills definitely from her.”

My grandparents left legacies that are unique in their own way..i don’t remember having a proper conversation with my dad’s father.however,my amma’s father left behind a huge legacy.he taught us how to be good to others and also how to be brute when required.he never owned anyone anything and if he did,he did not sleep till he returned that thing or favor.

but,the fascinating women are my grandmothers,my bamma(dad’s mom) is a very polished lady.she was born in a very poor family.however,had big dreams and she waited patiently for them to come true and they did.she groomed her sons to become what they want and not what she wanted them to be.but,the poverty is far behind her now and she lives like a queen.she is the best person for P.R anywhere.where ever she goes she carries a black book with the numbers of friends in that area.she is 83 today and she has more than 60 friends who are there to wish her.she loves attention and is not shy of it.she makes sure that she is well taken care of and the legacy that she would leave is ,no matter what your status in the world is,live like you are a born queen and live it up til the end.

my ammaamma(mom’s mom) is a women who has been protected from birth till now.she lived under her grandmothers eye for most of her teens and then got married.my grandpa got everything for her.right from the flowers in her hair to the chappal for her feet.she misses him so much,he made sure there was no dearth of anything around her.he also made her cripple that way and she never got to do anything for herself.she is also 83.but,zero friends and seven kids later she is living a silent life and i really don’t know what she thinks sitting in that rocking chair,she answers to my questions in one word and stared at the wall.maybe she sees her past there and maybe that past was wonderful than her present.but what i learnt from her is that you need to be independent and you need to love life and not live it regretting the past.

as for my grand kids,i will write a letter to them tomorrow or soon and tell them what i was like.i want them to be proud of me and i want to leave a legacy behind…one that speaks for itself and the one which is filled with adventure,love,lust,life,hate,sorrow and much more.something that comes natural to me is writing and i will write for the future generation and wait for them to open that chest filled with another world!

Over Reaction?

have you ever been slapped by a man? i am hope not and if you have been,then go to him,look into his eyes and give one tight slap and walk off.

my maid and i were chatting up the other day.she is getting married and they had this family session to discuss the pro’s and con’s of the wedding.her in law to be, does not want her as a DIL and the rest of the gang were bad mouthing her.So,the dear to be husband of hers,gives her one tight slap out of the blue and asks her to go to the other room,there was pin drop silence then.

so i asked her “WTF,who and why did he do that?”,she said “that was the only way to get the rest them to listen to him”!!!!!!!!! now,she is gone to get married and will be married in about few weeks.I am really worried about her.She says her to be MIL,held her hair and threw her out on the street at 2 am in the morning one day.But,she says “aka,let me get married and i will show my true colors?”.

my thoughts,”can she?”

she has my number and I told her to call me at time.But,will she? am I overrating the whole thing?”

life,can it be human?

oh life,there are so many elements to you and let me tell you this,you are of the most conniving,smart things that i have come across,actually there is no one like you.

if there was a human form that you had to take,god would have to get clay and mold and mold and mold and she still would not have found that face,nor those limbs to describe you.i mean get a lion’s roar for you voice or a meek man’s vocal cord? get legs as strong as a horse or fast quick like that of a deer? eyes like a dove or like the night owl? skin like the soft rabbit or like that of an alligator.

what? would have she done?i am taking my time to think on how you would resemble.i must say that you might have one-quarter of a mind like chankya and one-quarter like krishna and then again maybe like radha or maybe like sita.

would you have a soft heart like ekalavya or hard one like drona.would it have been like ravan…sometimes heart as tender as a little baby and sometimes as ferocious as wounded one.

i don’t know what you look like or how you would behave,eat,talk,think,love,laugh.but,i know that you would have been the same that we all are……mere mortals on this vast planet owned by someone we don’t know


It does not take much to smile.Sometimes at you and sometimes at the other person and sometimes at the situation.i have been doing that the whole of 2010.I moved to a new place,got to meet few wonderful women and life is good at home and work.

I decided last year to let go and let live.how? well, a friend told me this “d,i always admire your never say die attitude and your positive approach towards life.” that is where the thought came “am i really like that?” and the journey of inner healing,cleaning began.there are days when i feel the whole universe is just there to do wrong and there are days when i feel”really,do we need the universe,people,plants and things around us,like even a sock can hear me yelling at it,for the way it looks”.

but then,there is a way,i am not letting these effect me.life is just once,i mean in this life you get to live once. seriously,what is the point of me yelling at someone,having a fight,holding a grudge?it would effect me,stress me out and just waste a whole day or so.i do vent and then i move forward.

i met a bunch of few women in this year and bless them and their souls.they have come close to the soul sisters i never had and each one teaches me something new everyday.one teaches me on how to be a great mom,one on how to crack the most awesome and notorious jokes,one on how to look beautiful inside out and one who is a fighter and never gives up on life.(more about them in the next post)

so my gyan,lesson for the year.LIVE IT UP AND LET GO!


I had a dream last night,a wonderful one.Where my whole family was in one room,amma,nana,vijay and i.It was special, cause vijay passed away 8 years ago and i have not dreamnt of him that often.each one of us were doing something similar to what we used to do in our regular life.nana(my father) was busy in the kitchen,amma was busy drying clothes,i was reading a book and vijay was watching a dance show that was happening right in our backyard,with a famous heroine.yes,that is what my brother loved!

I was happy that i had this dream,i always thought that my brother had a message and wanted to have a closure in life.I wanted to know,what caused his sudden death and was there anything that he wanted to tell us.But,this dream made all sense,the elements that we were in were perfect.I could not have asked for a better dream and my brother….he is having a time of his afterlife…wherever he is!