closure

I had a dream last night,a wonderful one.Where my whole family was in one room,amma,nana,vijay and i.It was special, cause vijay passed away 8 years ago and i have not dreamnt of him that often.each one of us were doing something similar to what we used to do in our regular life.nana(my father) was busy in the kitchen,amma was busy drying clothes,i was reading a book and vijay was watching a dance show that was happening right in our backyard,with a famous heroine.yes,that is what my brother loved!

I was happy that i had this dream,i always thought that my brother had a message and wanted to have a closure in life.I wanted to know,what caused his sudden death and was there anything that he wanted to tell us.But,this dream made all sense,the elements that we were in were perfect.I could not have asked for a better dream and my brother….he is having a time of his afterlife…wherever he is!

you are missed

when you say “I understand” it does not really put you in the other persons shoes.it is going to be 7 years since my brother passed away and I cannot come to tell my parents that I understand,you see I never lost a son.I know how it feels to be without a brother though and I know how it feels to cry and think of those crazy moments.But,when this ganesh chaturthi mom called and said “dad was crying in the morning,he was missing him” I had to tell them that he knows that and he is always looking down and them and smiling.The truth is I am not sure,I am not sure if he really is looking down.Looking at that mother who misses him every second or at the father who is no longer the same.

sitting here so far from them and talking to them on the phone and hearing those muted,choked voices is something that I have to live with.I know that they say you have to move on or he is there for you or you have to look life with a new perceptive.however,those are not going to happen.It is like when you cut yourself and then go stitch it up.the scar is always there,even if you go to a plastic surgeon and get it all decked up,you know when you touch that part,it will always remind you of that day you got hurt.

my parents have been through so much in life and just when everything was looking beautiful, they fell deep down with him going away to a place where there is no return.sometimes I look at my younger one and see my brother in him,the way he walks,smiles or even the mischief is just like VI.could that be him all over again? I don’t know,but if it is then I am happy to be with my brother again.

I wish to make every moment precious with every person I know and even if I hold a grudge with someone,I promise to make it up and i have been trying to do it.It never should be “wish he/she was around”.it will always be “i did everything i can with that person and made them happy”.

amma and nana are the most loved people in the world and all that happiness is filling the space he left behind.but,that little moment in the night or in the kitchen is filled with silence in memories of a wonderful son,brother,friend and a man

SETHU VIJAY TANIKELLA
SEPT 15th 1977 – OCT 15th 2004

Dear Nana!

My father is an amazing orator,he can mesmerise you.He also wrote a number of short stories that have been published,while in college and I once heard and uncle tell someone that “suri is India’s Spielberg”!.Now that is something right.However,nana never took to writing,he says he is lazy when it comes to put words on paper and tells me often to do that for him.Over the years many writers have taken his advice on stories and have become famous.The sad part is that they never acknowledged him and his is quite ok with that.

This month while I was home,he told me and V 2 stories and wanted me to write them for him.He wanted me to take up what he never could and maybe wanted to see me writing for him.I never got to respond to his stories and as a teenager I was not really interested to listen to the genius in the house and would rather prefer to go out and buy books from the store.

However,this time,when I heard his words and sentences and stories,I was surely taken aback.For,the first time I realized what an exceptional man he is.He never wanted fame,nor glory,all he wants is for someone to take those creative juices,mix them and make them into a something worthwhile. I have begun to work on the first story and hopefully will finish the rest and publish them for him.For that man is my Father and someone who never thinks twice before helping anyone,anytime,anywhere.

a son and his love!

you never know when you grow up (the font on this one is good)sorry about that.Yes,as I was saying you never know when you grow up in your mind.My son has been showing me that a mature mind is not what you get when you are 30.But,something that you can get when you are seven years old.Here is what made me realise that.

I have been suffering from an acute ache in my wrist and hand from the past few days and it got to a stage where even mixing food was an ordeal.My parents,in-laws and uncle had taken turns to come over and stay with me to help at home.V has taken days off to take care of the kids and he did a splendid job(I recco love in hampi for anyone,that is where i fell in love with V).

Now Aku has been observing all this.He did not make much drama or create any soap opera to tell me he cares.However,he did things that a seven year old thought was fit to help his mom.

1.He gets up on his own in the morning or just after one wake up call and does everything without me having to tell him( yes,that T.V is still his best friend in the morning)

2.He makes sure all his friends leave home by 7.30 pm.He tells them “deethi is not well and she needs to go to bed early” or “my brother and i have to sleep soon”

3.He has told me a number of times that just milk and biscuits are ok with him and i don’t have to make elaborate breakfast for him.

4.He does get a little naggy when I don’t give him food personally after he comes back from school.However he is not making fuss these days and is happy with V taking care of him.

5.He also tells me “deethi tell me if it pains and i will apply balm on your hands”.

Aku certainly has grown up and is making me proud and happy.The best compliment i got was from one of his friends mohter “Aku,is a very rare child,he holds on to his innocence and honesty and in today’s world that is surely a treat for sore eye”

may he grow up to be happy and content in whatever he does and may he bring smiles to those who know him and spread hi joy everywhere!

we shall overcome…..

I was all set to write my blog.Peacefully with out any interruptions,in my bedroom,on a green bed sheet with the windows open and the nice Bangalore weather for company. However,it was tossed out of tossed out of those very niche French windows.V and Aku barged in and started their verbal war.

There is always this thing that goes in my mind.
“am i being able to connect both of them?”
“is aku able to find that father figure in V?”
“is V being the right,good father?”.
“Am i overreacting to situations and taking up Aku’s side?” and much more.

Then I tell my mind “relax,alex,all is well”.I tend to get a little protective about aku,more than anyone i guess.He is my love and there is no way i can close that door of over protectiveness about him,even with the new baby around. I was so paranoid,that i would get up in the middle of the night and think “what if someone takes him away?”.”what if he misses his bus and does not know how to get back to school?” and much more.

I have overcome most of it.However,i am still not convinced about way I let V handle him.I know I am too hard on V and i hope that someday,i will be able to overcome it.

“God please let me overcome it”!!!!!!!!!!!

My city,My lane

Vyas is screaming for attention and calls out for me more than often.His little ugoo’s are catching my heart everyday and i just cannot say how happy i feel when i see him give his toothless smile πŸ™‚

Aku started reading to vyas and he read from his “magic Stories” book and keeps asking vyas all the questions i used to ask aku after i read a story and poor vyas,just looks at his brother and smiles πŸ™‚

Feel good to and looking forward for those 10 days at amma’s home in hyderabad.As a teenager my brother and i used to hate our area or those little lanes where we live.It is in the old part of secundrabad.We used to scream and yell at our parents,asking them to get to the hip side of the city.Most of the time or say always,we kept out friends away from home,thinking freak what will they think? and also spent most time in the happening areas at that time,like banjara,jubilee or sainikpuri.However i just realized that,those tiny lanes have so much activity in them.When i come out to my balcony in the post gates community in Bangalore,i miss noise around me.I mis kids screaming and playing gulli cricket.I miss neighbours sitting out and gossiping.I miss aunties bringing over savouries and snacks.i miss sitting in the front yard when it is hot and drinking juice or butter milk and chatting with relatives and friends.I miss not having t knock to go to any house there and miss the way we celebrate functions and festivals.

I am gad I belong to Seethphalmandi and am proud to be a citizen there πŸ™‚

That Sunday,This Sunday!

There were times on a Sunday, all I would do is sleep,get up,get brunch,go for a movie or chill at home with movies and then go for a party at night.

These are Sundays where I get up feed the baby,massage him,give him a bath,give aku a bath,feed him something,get some coffee and do the duties.get out for another shout for milk,serve lunch (thankfully i have a cook).dust the home,wash clothes and wait for another load to be washed,dry them and make tea and then do some other work.

Being a home maker is not easy and on top of it if you have no help then you go crazy.V helps me with the baby and does things when i do ask him to do.What I would really really like??? yeh some kind of…forgetting that word..you know when V knows what to do when and does not need to me to tell him what to do.That is what I want.

I was supposed to get help from in-laws, some maid,but that backed out ( i know somehow that it was someone who asked that maid to stay put where she was).In-laws is another thing and I will write about those stories later.

For now,I got time to update my blog and vent my freaking frustration out.Also a friend was supposed to update me on life and they just forgot I exist…yeh,I am having a hellish weekend πŸ™‚ with a nice movie that kept me lol in the early hours called GOA…watch it a neat,kickass Tamil movie….