Broken,but Alive

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke in a tiny bathroom.

I was cornered to the wall, with the tap hurting my back.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke when I believed in that smile.

I was asked to touch his penis, and he was touching my vagina.

I remember like It was yesterday, my trust broke when the 7 year old me could not run.

I was numb and could not scream, his mouth and moustache were covering mine.

I remember like it was yesterday,my trust broke when another put his hands in my underwear.

I was trying to wriggle and he held me down. Like I was a worm and he was a giant foot.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke on the road. 

I was riding my Honda and he was riding his manhood next to me. 

By then trust was lost somewhere and maybe even felt  isolated. There were many times it wanted to come back and stay put.

I remember like it was yesterday…… I promised myself that no one shall cross the wall, the wall I named trust.

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Amma is here :D

MOTHER/AMMA/AMME/MOM/MUMMY/AMMI – the most potent word in any language,the word can melt you down,make you shiver,make you do things that you never did,make you think and make you cry and make you love again with joy.

but here is what it is,when they come to visit us(yes,i means the mothers) they will not give you any notification(like the one that pops on you webpage).they will visit and go as they pleaseexcuseme.

the curry that they make will take away all your depression.but,the lecture that they will give you while you are eating that curry,will being in more :/.

yes,ya my mother is here πŸ˜€

1.She is the best-est of the best,she will make you wear the best,that means i need to get all my new clothes in and all the comfortable payjammies go puchuk into the old bin 😦

2.she will shop for me till i say “ENOUGH AYE AMME ENOUGH”.She will make sure i buy clothes,furniture,food that lasts at least 20 years πŸ™‚ 😦

3.she will make me healthy.She will sit in front of me while i am eating and say “you should get your stomach checked,looks like it is bloating too much” and then go “you want some more of that butter and potato kanna?”

4.she is my rock and my diamond,she teaches me how to live with men,”if some man teases you, or bullies you or misbehaves with you,cut of that cock” she says in plain words.

5.she will say “let us go for a walk child” then she will walk and stop at every junction and talk to her auntie friends and go “yes yes,my deethi is lovely,oh,you too noticed her chest,i bought one number less size bra for her” and smile and go :/ (really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

6.she will call my father and say “bring that prasadam we got for deethi when you coming” (she must have got is 6 months ago) when i protest she says “it is god’s,it will never go out of fashion”

7.she is my lioness,she protects her cubs with fierce and shrewd determination and loves us like a motherlovesherchild(duh).but,let’s us go out and test the waters and if it is hot,she will tell us only once we dip our hand in.

8.she wants me to buyahouse NOW,when i say “amme,my husbands salary is not that big”she says “take me to his boss i say” (i wish i Could,only once and then myhusbandssalary will go HIGH)

9.she loves to talk to me,when i am eating,sleeping,drinking,in the loo,in the loo again.

10.she tells me “i do not have another birth,this is my last,that is why god made me your mother” (go figure deethi,go figure)

what married people?

my husband and i are very lovely people and we love all those people who are lovely to us.But(yesthereisalwaysabut) when it comes to few things we are like most husbands and wives all over the globe! and here is why……

1.we wait to see who will get up first and if one does get up before the other, it is always “baby,i got up 2 hours ago”(even if i got up about half a second before him)
2.we try and argue for the most part of the day and sleep it off or and continue the next day.
3.i,me is never wrong and the other person(his or mine) ego is bigger than the big bang
4.we wait for the kids to hit the bed,so that we can crawl in the bed,get under covers and …..snore away.
5.and yes,we always agree in front of the kids,1 out of 100 times!
6.we try and make sure we save money every month and then spend it on the the same month and go…ayaaaaaa what to do now?
7.we want to take a break,go on a vacation (to kalasipalaya,to a seedy hotel with lots of noise and sleep for 16 hours)
8.we want our kids to grow today,tomorrow morning we want them to be 21 years old(what bliss that will be)
9.we have 2 soaps in the bathroom for bathing and the man always ends up using the wife’s soap and yes,sometimes the oh so expensive one lasts one week in his hands!
10.we will say the truth with courage,even if it is wrong and then look up for a lawyers number asap!

more are coming,you just wait ya!

letter to 15 year old me

yo wassup D,

that was how your friends would call you right? you in torn jeans and loose tee’s.you always wanted to be a part of the yo crowd and in some way managed to be part of none.you know why D? cause you had a mind of your own even then.come on now,you had written your own personality when you were born.

that guy you like,thank the lord you did not go froward with it.one look at him now and you will go “hamaya”.he is fat, obsessed with money and lives in a gaudy house with his wife and kids”.i know you are going through a lot,rebelling,partying and wondering why you were not born in an ultra rich family.But,wait till the end with patience and you will know what a mother you have.she might not let you go out and hang out in the pubs like the other kids do,you are only 15! she has her reasons.

those guys you used to hang out with thinking they are you life support will not even be a part of your life when you are 30.in fact,those people are a part of the 15th year that is it.

the things that you do will not be with you for life.Please concentrate more on writing and don’t think it is just in your genes.try and concentrate more on the relationship with your bro,he will not be there for you in the year 2004 and you will miss him like crazy.

remember that kinetic Honda you had,keep that.you will need it in Bangalore in future.there is not much i would want you to change.however please give education 100%,i know it sounds bullshit to you.but,missy it will help you a lot.

and yes,please don’t give away anything like you are a fairy godmother.keep few things that are a must,like that horse shoe watch your bro bought for you or that pink tee that you bought with the first salary.they will mean a lot to you.alas last thing don’t be hard on yourself girl.all will work out in the end.you need a bit of love and care and that you are getting in abundance from your parents.

love you and will look forward to meet you again in 40’s

life,can it be human?

oh life,there are so many elements to you and let me tell you this,you are of the most conniving,smart things that i have come across,actually there is no one like you.

if there was a human form that you had to take,god would have to get clay and mold and mold and mold and she still would not have found that face,nor those limbs to describe you.i mean get a lion’s roar for you voice or a meek man’s vocal cord? get legs as strong as a horse or fast quick like that of a deer? eyes like a dove or like the night owl? skin like the soft rabbit or like that of an alligator.

what? would have she done?i am taking my time to think on how you would resemble.i must say that you might have one-quarter of a mind like chankya and one-quarter like krishna and then again maybe like radha or maybe like sita.

would you have a soft heart like ekalavya or hard one like drona.would it have been like ravan…sometimes heart as tender as a little baby and sometimes as ferocious as wounded one.

i don’t know what you look like or how you would behave,eat,talk,think,love,laugh.but,i know that you would have been the same that we all are……mere mortals on this vast planet owned by someone we don’t know

sexual abuse or past life Karma?

I was talking to a friend today about an article on sexual abuse.It was mentioned in TOI and the author said that,sexual abused children’s are karmic helpers to the ones who abuse them.It is also mentions that the ones who are abused sexually are the ones who were the predators in the previous birth.

Now, my friend said that she really did not think it would be easy for someone to forgive her/his abuser and rarely ones goes in that maturity level to forget and forgive them.Another friend went through a lot of internal conflict when her abuser called to say how sorry he was and apologized profusely to what he did to her.

My question to the author, will the innocence that was lost in childhood come back after the apology? How many of us have the strength in us to forgive what happened and move forward?why should children suffer something they rarely know about at such a young age and that to for a past karma.Isn’t it said that dharma and adharma are taken care in this life and hell and heaven are both done here before you leave the body?

I once mentioned to a friend about how another refuses to hug people,because she/he was an abused child.I was like “get over it man,move on”.But,i realized my mistake quite early and made sure that i never judge a person and let them take their own time healing.I for once never got over it and i don’t think i will.Yes,the memory is distant and far away.but,it reeks of that pungent smell every time I see,hear and read about an abused child.

Now,will you tell me to take it all in stride as this is what my karma is?Suffer for something that I did not even have an idea about? suffer because i am a mere child with no where to run and scared and actually having no clue about what was happening to me?

another time another friend was telling me on how boys get mentally blocked because of this and how it effects their relationship with their girlfriends,wives and women they love.

Tell a child to go to a counseling session,take time and understand their fears and tell them how to be with family and friends and strangers.Teach them many things that they need to know about these abusers.But for once never tell a child that you went through it because you were bad in your past life.It is not a valid reason.At least not for one who is as harmless as a child.

i have regrets.

I am in a very dull,depressed and “I dont care what you think” mood.So,Should I try and lighten it up a little and feel the blues with some nice jazz music?

Well,lets me talk to myself about this daunting question I have.Would I have asked God (if given a choice ) to end up somewhere else?Like in france in a rich up my A*&# life or in dharavi in a small home with no roof and just one blanket to share or no blanket and food for years together?

God what a wise cheeky person you are.There is no choice that you give to us.You make descions and then say “go figure”.There is this common question asked “do you have any regrets?”,well most of the ones I heard say “no,i don’t”.Me used to fall in that catogery for a long time.But,now,as I am in the 32 years of journey and in a life like rajdhani express,where you dont know when the AC would be on or of that days food will be good.I am sure and know that I have few regrets.Am i happy with the choices that I made…hmmmmm,not entirely.

I am happy for the madre,padre and husband and kids.Thank GOD,I had the choice here a littel bit.But,overall,if the person up there would give me a wand,I would definetly changed few things in the past like…

1.Bunking college way to often
lost out on many friends due to that

2.listening to madre or taking her advice in edcation
missed out on being an antrhopologits or a criminal lawyer

3.trusting few idoits who call themselves friends
missed out on the ones who really were

4.not saving enough for rainy day
still waiting to save for that car

so ,if i were given a choice to live my life again I would and make a path that leads to vinod and few others and then live happily ever after.