Unburdening in a Dream.

Our kids and us were standing on the road, a bus came and stopped in front of us. There got down a family of 7 and a little girl with the face of an angel, the little girl was fascinated by the tire of the bus. She walked up to it and held on to it. The bus started moving and the girl was crushed under one of those tyres, just one circle and a life was lost. No one to be blamed, no one did this on purpose, not even the bus.

After a while, the five of us are travelling in our car, my husband was sitting behind me and had his feet up my seat. I tell him, “please remove your feet from my back, you are hurting me and causing me pain”. He does that and just then we see a huge mountain and then it turns into a valley. We see a river crisscrossing across the valley, flowers in bloom and we hear laughter.

Not the shrieking kind, but a soft laughter and then it becomes from one to two to three to ten. We look around us and I see we are surrounded by the little girl and her friends. They look like fairies, they look so radiant, that I start crying and that is when I hear someone say “forgive”. I turned around to see where the voice came from, my family was missing and the car,ย  after a while there was just silence…

I stood there on top of a hill and screamed as loud as I can “I forgive you, I forgive you, I……forgive myself too”.

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Shedding

Under the starlit sky, we sat together, many nights we spent in silence.

Nothing seemed awkward then, nothing seemed unrealistic, nothing seemed heavy.

Under the starlit sky, on a full moon night you and I spent time together in the same silence.

This time everything felt uneasy, everything felt down, everything felt heavy and my senses were drowning.

I know you do not have the time for me right now, I know you need your being first.

I know you are struggling with these emotions as I am.

We both are in the same path, walking towards the setting sun.

Hoping deeply that the moonlight takes away our pain and the cries are heard across the seas.

Once we walked hand in hand…

Today we walk a little apart….

Knowing deep inside, that this path will leads us to the same place…. to a new dawn.

A place where we two meet and bear our souls and become one.

 

Deethi

 

 

Broken,but Alive

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke in a tiny bathroom.

I was cornered to the wall, with the tap hurting my back.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke when I believed in that smile.

I was asked to touch his penis, and he was touching my vagina.

I remember like It was yesterday, my trust broke when the 7 year old me could not run.

I was numb and could not scream, his mouth and moustache were covering mine.

I remember like it was yesterday,my trust broke when another put his hands in my underwear.

I was trying to wriggle and he held me down. Like I was a worm and he was a giant foot.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke on the road. 

I was riding my Honda and he was riding his manhood next to me. 

By then trust was lost somewhere and maybe even felt  isolated. There were many times it wanted to come back and stay put.

I remember like it was yesterday…… I promised myself that no one shall cross the wall, the wall I named trust.

Amma is here :D

MOTHER/AMMA/AMME/MOM/MUMMY/AMMI – the most potent word in any language,the word can melt you down,make you shiver,make you do things that you never did,make you think and make you cry and make you love again with joy.

but here is what it is,when they come to visit us(yes,i means the mothers) they will not give you any notification(like the one that pops on you webpage).they will visit and go as they pleaseexcuseme.

the curry that they make will take away all your depression.but,the lecture that they will give you while you are eating that curry,will being in more :/.

yes,ya my mother is here ๐Ÿ˜€

1.She is the best-est of the best,she will make you wear the best,that means i need to get all my new clothes in and all the comfortable payjammies go puchuk into the old bin ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

2.she will shop for me till i say “ENOUGH AYE AMME ENOUGH”.She will make sure i buy clothes,furniture,food that lasts at least 20 years ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

3.she will make me healthy.She will sit in front of me while i am eating and say “you should get your stomach checked,looks like it is bloating too much” and then go “you want some more of that butter and potato kanna?”

4.she is my rock and my diamond,she teaches me how to live with men,”if some man teases you, or bullies you or misbehaves with you,cut of that cock” she says in plain words.

5.she will say “let us go for a walk child” then she will walk and stop at every junction and talk to her auntie friends and go “yes yes,my deethi is lovely,oh,you too noticed her chest,i bought one number less size bra for her” and smile and go :/ (really!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

6.she will call my father and say “bring that prasadam we got for deethi when you coming” (she must have got is 6 months ago) when i protest she says “it is god’s,it will never go out of fashion”

7.she is my lioness,she protects her cubs with fierce and shrewd determination and loves us like a motherlovesherchild(duh).but,let’s us go out and test the waters and if it is hot,she will tell us only once we dip our hand in.

8.she wants me to buyahouse NOW,when i say “amme,my husbands salary is not that big”she says “take me to his boss i say” (i wish i Could,only once and then myhusbandssalary will go HIGH)

9.she loves to talk to me,when i am eating,sleeping,drinking,in the loo,in the loo again.

10.she tells me “i do not have another birth,this is my last,that is why god made me your mother” (go figure deethi,go figure)

what married people?

my husband and i are very lovely people and we love all those people who are lovely to us.But(yesthereisalwaysabut) when it comes to few things we are like most husbands and wives all over the globe! and here is why……

1.we wait to see who will get up first and if one does get up before the other, it is always “baby,i got up 2 hours ago”(even if i got up about half a second before him)
2.we try and argue for the most part of the day and sleep it off or and continue the next day.
3.i,me is never wrong and the other person(his or mine) ego is bigger than the big bang
4.we wait for the kids to hit the bed,so that we can crawl in the bed,get under covers and …..snore away.
5.and yes,we always agree in front of the kids,1 out of 100 times!
6.we try and make sure we save money every month and then spend it on the the same month and go…ayaaaaaa what to do now?
7.we want to take a break,go on a vacation (to kalasipalaya,to a seedy hotel with lots of noise and sleep for 16 hours)
8.we want our kids to grow today,tomorrow morning we want them to be 21 years old(what bliss that will be)
9.we have 2 soaps in the bathroom for bathing and the man always ends up using the wife’s soap and yes,sometimes the oh so expensive one lasts one week in his hands!
10.we will say the truth with courage,even if it is wrong and then look up for a lawyers number asap!

more are coming,you just wait ya!

letter to 15 year old me

yo wassup D,

that was how your friends would call you right? you in torn jeans and loose tee’s.you always wanted to be a part of the yo crowd and in some way managed to be part of none.you know why D? cause you had a mind of your own even then.come on now,you had written your own personality when you were born.

that guy you like,thank the lord you did not go froward with it.one look at him now and you will go “hamaya”.he is fat, obsessed with money and lives in a gaudy house with his wife and kids”.i know you are going through a lot,rebelling,partying and wondering why you were not born in an ultra rich family.But,wait till the end with patience and you will know what a mother you have.she might not let you go out and hang out in the pubs like the other kids do,you are only 15! she has her reasons.

those guys you used to hang out with thinking they are you life support will not even be a part of your life when you are 30.in fact,those people are a part of the 15th year that is it.

the things that you do will not be with you for life.Please concentrate more on writing and don’t think it is just in your genes.try and concentrate more on the relationship with your bro,he will not be there for you in the year 2004 and you will miss him like crazy.

remember that kinetic Honda you had,keep that.you will need it in Bangalore in future.there is not much i would want you to change.however please give education 100%,i know it sounds bullshit to you.but,missy it will help you a lot.

and yes,please don’t give away anything like you are a fairy godmother.keep few things that are a must,like that horse shoe watch your bro bought for you or that pink tee that you bought with the first salary.they will mean a lot to you.alas last thing don’t be hard on yourself girl.all will work out in the end.you need a bit of love and care and that you are getting in abundance from your parents.

love you and will look forward to meet you again in 40’s

life,can it be human?

oh life,there are so many elements to you and let me tell you this,you are of the most conniving,smart things that i have come across,actually there is no one like you.

if there was a human form that you had to take,god would have to get clay and mold and mold and mold and she still would not have found that face,nor those limbs to describe you.i mean get a lion’s roar for you voice or a meek man’s vocal cord? get legs as strong as a horse or fast quick like that of a deer? eyes like a dove or like the night owl? skin like the soft rabbit or like that of an alligator.

what? would have she done?i am taking my time to think on how you would resemble.i must say that you might have one-quarter of a mind like chankya and one-quarter like krishna and then again maybe like radha or maybe like sita.

would you have a soft heart like ekalavya or hard one like drona.would it have been like ravan…sometimes heart as tender as a little baby and sometimes as ferocious as wounded one.

i don’t know what you look like or how you would behave,eat,talk,think,love,laugh.but,i know that you would have been the same that we all are……mere mortals on this vast planet owned by someone we don’t know