Unburdening in a Dream.

Our kids and us were standing on the road, a bus came and stopped in front of us. There got down a family of 7 and a little girl with the face of an angel, the little girl was fascinated by the tire of the bus. She walked up to it and held on to it. The bus started moving and the girl was crushed under one of those tyres, just one circle and a life was lost. No one to be blamed, no one did this on purpose, not even the bus.

After a while, the five of us are travelling in our car, my husband was sitting behind me and had his feet up my seat. I tell him, “please remove your feet from my back, you are hurting me and causing me pain”. He does that and just then we see a huge mountain and then it turns into a valley. We see a river crisscrossing across the valley, flowers in bloom and we hear laughter.

Not the shrieking kind, but a soft laughter and then it becomes from one to two to three to ten. We look around us and I see we are surrounded by the little girl and her friends. They look like fairies, they look so radiant, that I start crying and that is when I hear someone say “forgive”. I turned around to see where the voice came from, my family was missing and the car,Β  after a while there was just silence…

I stood there on top of a hill and screamed as loud as I can “I forgive you, I forgive you, I……forgive myself too”.

weight thrown around!

Been a long long long longgggggg Holiday and yes I think I did have good time diary :D.When i write in my blog,the picture that automatically comes to my mind is of a young me, scribbilling her way through the diary.Then safely locking it ( had one of those cute ones that you could lock) and then search the whole room for the lost key the next day.Here i forget my password and everyday I click on “lost password” link πŸ™‚

I think the 3 months effect of being a new mother is slowly wading off.Ask me how?” how deethi how?,Well I went to the tailor to get a salwar stitched and seriously I was not at all happy with the thing called tape and the thing called measurements I saw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.I was in tears when the Tailor looked my sad face and said “hota hai maadamjo hota hai” and I was like “kya hota hai” and he said “Size aur bada hota hai”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ayooooooooooo save me 😦

Then there is my hair, throughout pregnancy i fell in love with my curls.oh!how curly,noodles like they looked and now after 3 months,I will be surprised if they look even like wires that i hang my clothes one 😦

I don’t have a single tee that fits me and all i have is size s and xs and hoping that i will land in them soon i keep them safe.My mother looks at them and at me and says “hmm,i was like this after you and look where i am now”.she is put on more kgs people 😦

So i started playing badminton today and i was kinda puffft after few serves.but,hell goes to heaven or heaven goes to hell.I shall get back to at least the M size and at least i can tell my daughter-in-law “i was a figure then ma” πŸ˜› “even after the second one” πŸ˜€

Happy

Made paper rockets for aku and his friends πŸ™‚

Caught a green color butterfly,showed it to the kids and then let it fly πŸ˜€

Felt a tiny ache and knew it was soon time for labor πŸ˜›

Read Sydney Sheldon all over again : )

Made hot cuppa Masala Chai for amma,nana and myself πŸ˜€

Spoke to my nephew who says “I dub you” for “i love you” and screams appachi on the phone : )

Stood out watching the various colors of green spread across the lane and home in form of trees and plants and saplings.

Got to know that V will be here on Sunday,right in time for the Delivery πŸ˜€

Love all things and feel Happy πŸ˜€

things that i am doing and thinking of doing!

Aku is at an age where he has too many things on his mind.Most of the times,it takes up to 60 minutes for him to make his opinion and then another 60 to tell you that it is called an opinion. He has a point to make about everything around him.Yes,It does not matter whether it is required or not (does it ever matter to a 6 year old?)

Being 9 months pregnant is not funny.It is that time when all you keep thinking is “when is the baby coming out?”.It is like the whole world is planning on keeping that baby inside and making you look like a drum for life.

It has been ages since I sipped anything that is has spirit it in.Let my senses give me the taste,touch,smell of some wine.I will say cheers and add the hearing sense.

Wonder why all the food outlets are far away from your home when you need them the most.They appear so closer when you are on diet. (i said you,I am never on diet) but the outlets with those lovely pictures and aromas are far far away.

I am going to gorge on pasta,noodles (indian version) these 2 weeks.After that amma says “deethi cannot eat junk for more than 3 months”.When was the food I cooked not called junk?!

I finished about 15teen 5 stars in two days and searching for more πŸ˜€

heart is where is the home is!

Been more than 8 months since I moved into parents home for delivery.It is all good for me,i get to have great breakfast,which is great.My dad makes all my meals and mom gets me things that i want from the market.My only job here is to pack my kids lunch box and also make sure his homework is done on time.What else could one ask for!

However,i am done with this wait.I want to deliver asap and go back to my home.I miss my hubby,poor V keeps visiting us every weekend and then heads back only after one night.I miss the smell of my own home,the colors that I will paint the walls with.It is barren as of now with things scattered in proper way! My need to launch into homework is getting bigger and bigger.Not that I am going to clean dishes or wash clothes.It is just the feeling of sitting with a cuppa chai in you balcony,the kids asleep in the bedroom and you reading a book.while hubby is snuggled with kids or at work or better sitting with me.

2 more months and that shall happen till then hello amma’s home!

I got enough Strength to face anything!

Strength

Ever wondered why things happen to you and you only? bad things,things that dont matter to you and things that make you say”why me you god?”.

Well I used to for a while and then one day I realized that everything that happens around you is in your control,you are the one that makes it happen and you are the one that can stop it.However sometimes,somethings cannot be changed even by force, like death and birth.when people say “everything happens for a reason”,it does make sense and remember you are just a minute particle in the games universe play

So next time when I am in trouble I will not say “why me?” cause I know it is me, because I have the strength to take that pain.If it is happiness that is coming my way, then come on hug me and make me go crazy!

to or not to ?

I was talking to a friend about families and the utter nonsense one has to bear with it and she said how her brother-in-law always agrees to what his mother says and how her sister is fuming with that thought.She was like “d,don’t you think he should pay my sister some ear to?”.I said “true S,he has to”.

Now if there one common thing all over the world then it is the beta,son,koduku getting stuck between the mother and the wife.However, did you ever think of the daughter getting stuck between the husband and the father? It is weird is it not that there are not many stories running around that syndrome. Is it cause the daughters and daughter in-laws keep them men happy? is it because when it comes to the word daughter all men stay silent and let them rule? I personally think it is because two men and one woman is much easy then two woman and one man. Also when it comes to gender it also mostly depends on the thinking side of that gender.

For ages MIL and DIL have fought wars
1.I think ,Draupadi was fuming and wanted to throw red mirchi on her MIL when Kunti asked her sons to share the wife.
2.Sita should have been pissed off with Kaikeyi for sending her to forest.

They have also been instances where DIL and MIL lived happily ever after like my MIL and Her MIL.However I think personally that one or the other has to calm down the ego and live with it till she can no longer bear.Now who can it be? you will ask. Well that is the answer I do not have.My amma says that if you are a bigger person then you will calm down.Who will decide who the bigger person is? It is you who have to and has to says my inner voice.Again till when? Till the time you lose your patience says my inner voice.Does this have side effects? asks me.Yes,of course says my inner voice.

Till the side effects start,I shall listen to my inner voice.until then, here comes the veil of patience!

When i think i can(nnot) !

I have never been a person who stayed at home for longer.I thought that I was made to travel the world and see things and do things.Even when i was 8 years old,I walked all the way to ratnadeep in my area and asked them if they needed an entertainer( the owner promptly called my parents and i was whisked back home.)

So today after 30 years and 6 months i am back to square one and staying at home.I tried my hand in various things,from being a call center agent,to a trainer to a business analyst to a writer to a theatre artist and an assistant director.I even tried my hand at hosting a talk show(the producer cut that show and put it in the cupboard)

Now I am a home maker,I sit and home and think what did my gran or my aunts do at home?.I mean my granny sat at home for about 84 years.She never once ventured out on her own and she is still at home.She is quite content with that lifestyle and here I am getting bored out of my mind.I want to do many things,create stories and whip up some great plays or movies.I want to start a Anadanam project and give free food to anyone everyday.I want to write a book in Telugu and also one in English.I want to make movies like Jandhyala and write like Tikkana or our very own Pothana or Gurujada.

The thing I realised is that I am a bit of a Procrastination freak.I keep thinking what should happen today can take a break and happen tomorrow.Is that now plain rubbish?

I know of a lady who worked for my mom,i used to tell her to get rid of her mundane job of working in houses as a maid and start something on her own.Boy she did! she now owns a small vegetable cart and also a shed near my home and tells me” amma thanks to you,i have this”. I tell her it is her hard work.

Why am I blogging this to tell myself that “lazy ass get up and get things moving”.You need not earn a lot now,however you will be satisfied and make yourself happy!

One Family to Another

I am sitting in our hall writing this blog post and V is playing what he calls soothing Music!(Progressive house).That too him is smoothing and living with him for 6 months i am kinda getting used to the idea of listening to this.

We share the space with a newly bought Lamp(red color),a couch and a diwan.I love the feeling of home.When I used to visit my friends house over weekends( this was long before I met V),I was tempted to ask her to find me a guy who was opposite to me and lived with me and my ranting.She could not find me a guy,However she did find me a room in her house that was called mine.

The reason for this blog is vary personal,I grew up in a neighborhood,which is crowded with my joint family.not that I mind it.However,sometimes when all you want is to just stare at space and just listen to classic rock. That in my case was very hard.If i was singing aloud my pinni or atha would walk in and ask me if i was loosing it.See for them sitting alone was never done.Even when i am in the loo,i get asked random things like “D,where is that yellow plate or that green dabba filled with bindis”.

So I yearned for that personal or private space all my life.Then I moved to other city and i loved the initial days of no one to bother me around.sitting Lazy on a Sunday afternoon,sipping beer and listening to music and reading a book. I did enjoy the phase of no one asking me what I was doing or what I was thinking.However i did miss the chitter chatter of my pinnis,random advice by my mamaya’s and also my sweet ammama’s pulihora.So I got back o a city close by and started travelling home on weekends.

Now that I am back here for good,I am also going to be a part of another Family soon.i am getting Married in 15 days from today.i will miss the Tanikella and Chilukuri clan and their nuisances.However the god part is that Chandramouli clan is much louder and mixing them my clan is going to be a Party for Life and yes a few adjustment here and there never bothered anyone.

Freedom,It is a sweet and sour recipe for life!


*photo courtesy – google

When the time is right and the right place is chosen,I somehow end up in another place and at the wrong time.I wondered if it could be a case of absent mind or even a case of time travel.Then it hit me, I never want to be in the right time at the right place.I want to be at any place i want at any time of the day or night.

That is how it has been for a few years now,millions of opportunities came into the door.they knocked and said “deepthi,it is time for you to join us and be happy and successful”.I said “yes,yes i am eager to please you”.did manage to please them for a bit,then thought “what the f**k I am i doing here”,ran for life.Happy that I ran away from the bonds of “I want your ideas,however I want them to be matched with mine”.

In the office when i used to work in corporate land,projects were taken and then my manager would walk up to me and say “here is the project,these are the rules,these are the statistic”.”what you have to do is work as free as you can,however do not cross the line”. err,sorry,then what does “free” mean?.Is it not something that you can do on your own without rules and regulations?.

Then I ventured into films,my first film was great.The director went through the same emotions as I did and said “you guys,listen to me,do whatever yo feel like,want to change the script do it”.but,make sure we all agree and have fun.It worked,the team was constantly motivated,new ideas were absorbed and if they were not then no problem,cause other ideas were as fresh as mine.

My second film was lie working in a slave driven rut.No one questioned the authority or the first AD.She was there to do whatever she felt and we all knew that she was messing up.However,we did try and make our point,but those were never taken to the director and I realised that I was the only one who was having a problem with this attitude.The rest seem to go with the flow.that is when i realised that it is dam tough to find like minded people to work with.

That is when I wrote a play,directed it and voila,everything fell in place.From the actors to the sponsors to the stage.See,my theory worked,like minded bring in a great rapport and you never feel like you working alone.

Then I said yes to another movie,now here me and the person who the idea belonged to got along like house on fire.At the end,however he had to get his people who started to add their 2 cents to the story and messed it up.I knew that the director was in favor to the friend and could not mess it up for them.So,I slowly moved aside and hope they understood and let the friend take the credit.

I know that it is tough and a torrid job to do what you want.But,it makes you happy and content and that smile that you smile for yourself is just amazing.I want to be that person.you might want to call me selfish,self absorbed and all that jazz.I am happy that i am myself and I know that those people like me are somewhere around to make a movie that breaks all barriers and frontiers and makes you laugh till your tummy tickles.