Unburdening in a Dream.

Our kids and us were standing on the road, a bus came and stopped in front of us. There got down a family of 7 and a little girl with the face of an angel, the little girl was fascinated by the tire of the bus. She walked up to it and held on to it. The bus started moving and the girl was crushed under one of those tyres, just one circle and a life was lost. No one to be blamed, no one did this on purpose, not even the bus.

After a while, the five of us are travelling in our car, my husband was sitting behind me and had his feet up my seat. I tell him, “please remove your feet from my back, you are hurting me and causing me pain”. He does that and just then we see a huge mountain and then it turns into a valley. We see a river crisscrossing across the valley, flowers in bloom and we hear laughter.

Not the shrieking kind, but a soft laughter and then it becomes from one to two to three to ten. We look around us and I see we are surrounded by the little girl and her friends. They look like fairies, they look so radiant, that I start crying and that is when I hear someone say “forgive”. I turned around to see where the voice came from, my family was missing and the car,  after a while there was just silence…

I stood there on top of a hill and screamed as loud as I can “I forgive you, I forgive you, I……forgive myself too”.

Broken,but Alive

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke in a tiny bathroom.

I was cornered to the wall, with the tap hurting my back.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke when I believed in that smile.

I was asked to touch his penis, and he was touching my vagina.

I remember like It was yesterday, my trust broke when the 7 year old me could not run.

I was numb and could not scream, his mouth and moustache were covering mine.

I remember like it was yesterday,my trust broke when another put his hands in my underwear.

I was trying to wriggle and he held me down. Like I was a worm and he was a giant foot.

I remember like it was yesterday, my trust broke on the road. 

I was riding my Honda and he was riding his manhood next to me. 

By then trust was lost somewhere and maybe even felt  isolated. There were many times it wanted to come back and stay put.

I remember like it was yesterday…… I promised myself that no one shall cross the wall, the wall I named trust.

life,can it be human?

oh life,there are so many elements to you and let me tell you this,you are of the most conniving,smart things that i have come across,actually there is no one like you.

if there was a human form that you had to take,god would have to get clay and mold and mold and mold and she still would not have found that face,nor those limbs to describe you.i mean get a lion’s roar for you voice or a meek man’s vocal cord? get legs as strong as a horse or fast quick like that of a deer? eyes like a dove or like the night owl? skin like the soft rabbit or like that of an alligator.

what? would have she done?i am taking my time to think on how you would resemble.i must say that you might have one-quarter of a mind like chankya and one-quarter like krishna and then again maybe like radha or maybe like sita.

would you have a soft heart like ekalavya or hard one like drona.would it have been like ravan…sometimes heart as tender as a little baby and sometimes as ferocious as wounded one.

i don’t know what you look like or how you would behave,eat,talk,think,love,laugh.but,i know that you would have been the same that we all are……mere mortals on this vast planet owned by someone we don’t know

sexual abuse or past life Karma?

I was talking to a friend today about an article on sexual abuse.It was mentioned in TOI and the author said that,sexual abused children’s are karmic helpers to the ones who abuse them.It is also mentions that the ones who are abused sexually are the ones who were the predators in the previous birth.

Now, my friend said that she really did not think it would be easy for someone to forgive her/his abuser and rarely ones goes in that maturity level to forget and forgive them.Another friend went through a lot of internal conflict when her abuser called to say how sorry he was and apologized profusely to what he did to her.

My question to the author, will the innocence that was lost in childhood come back after the apology? How many of us have the strength in us to forgive what happened and move forward?why should children suffer something they rarely know about at such a young age and that to for a past karma.Isn’t it said that dharma and adharma are taken care in this life and hell and heaven are both done here before you leave the body?

I once mentioned to a friend about how another refuses to hug people,because she/he was an abused child.I was like “get over it man,move on”.But,i realized my mistake quite early and made sure that i never judge a person and let them take their own time healing.I for once never got over it and i don’t think i will.Yes,the memory is distant and far away.but,it reeks of that pungent smell every time I see,hear and read about an abused child.

Now,will you tell me to take it all in stride as this is what my karma is?Suffer for something that I did not even have an idea about? suffer because i am a mere child with no where to run and scared and actually having no clue about what was happening to me?

another time another friend was telling me on how boys get mentally blocked because of this and how it effects their relationship with their girlfriends,wives and women they love.

Tell a child to go to a counseling session,take time and understand their fears and tell them how to be with family and friends and strangers.Teach them many things that they need to know about these abusers.But for once never tell a child that you went through it because you were bad in your past life.It is not a valid reason.At least not for one who is as harmless as a child.

Enough Already

You live in a house,call it home and settle down.You decorate it,fill it with love,hope and joy.It is a place that is for you and your family and friends.But,what will you do when someone walks in,breaks your home and says “this is not your home,it is mine”.I will probably kill that person or break their bones one by one at a time.

This is what is happening to Andhra Pradesh,my state,our state.Home to millions of Teluguiets,Malyalees,Tamilians,Gujratis,Bengalis and many more.It has been more than 2 years and the unrest in the state is not coming down.

Schools have been effected,education is become a mere passe.Students do not know when they have to go to institutes.Even if they go,they are not sure if it is safe.They are not sure if they are from telangana or andhra or from a state that has been united for so long.

Workers are been forced to stay away from work.If they go against the agitators and work,they are called cheaters,anti telangana,anti andhra.My mother was verbally abused for going to work by them.What they did not know was, she is from Nalgonda,the main telangana region and she has to go to work to survive.A person who was throwing/pelting stones at the ladies who were walking out of the office or being forced to said this to my mother “are you not ashamed to work? why are not part of the agitation?” and my mother said “will you pay for my house,food and clothing and what is this anti thing? who are you to tell me what to do and where to live?”

I think her point is valid.A cousin of mine came home the other day and said “i hate the andhra students in my class,they are so down”.I was so surprised.While I was in college there was no such divide.It was either R.T.C colony or sainikpuri or vanastalipuram divide! It was never about our state.

I am a common woman,who wants things to be restored in A.P.There might be truth in what you are fighting for or there might not be any truth at all.But,who are you to make the common man suffer?Will you give the students their lost valid hours at school back?Do you know how important education is?what is the point of pointing fingers towards another country and calling them enemy.When you are pointing fingers at your own people and making them your sworn enemy “making them” I said.

I am pissed off,angry and hurt that this is happening in a state that was called one of the best states to live in a decade ago.It is the I.T hub and has the prestigious I.B.S or the BITS.Now,it is even scary to think of going there.My cousin has been planning to celebrate her daughters first birthday at Hyderabad this month.She has pre poned her trip and is having a small gathering at home rather than the earlier plan of going to an ashram.Thanks agitators for making us feel this way.

and if someone asks or tells me,this is what we have to do,we have to sacrifice enough to get something for our brothers and sisters.Please don’t sacrifice already.Potti Sriramulu did that once and that is how we have a state that we call “ANDHRA PRADESH”.

i have regrets.

I am in a very dull,depressed and “I dont care what you think” mood.So,Should I try and lighten it up a little and feel the blues with some nice jazz music?

Well,lets me talk to myself about this daunting question I have.Would I have asked God (if given a choice ) to end up somewhere else?Like in france in a rich up my A*&# life or in dharavi in a small home with no roof and just one blanket to share or no blanket and food for years together?

God what a wise cheeky person you are.There is no choice that you give to us.You make descions and then say “go figure”.There is this common question asked “do you have any regrets?”,well most of the ones I heard say “no,i don’t”.Me used to fall in that catogery for a long time.But,now,as I am in the 32 years of journey and in a life like rajdhani express,where you dont know when the AC would be on or of that days food will be good.I am sure and know that I have few regrets.Am i happy with the choices that I made…hmmmmm,not entirely.

I am happy for the madre,padre and husband and kids.Thank GOD,I had the choice here a littel bit.But,overall,if the person up there would give me a wand,I would definetly changed few things in the past like…

1.Bunking college way to often
lost out on many friends due to that

2.listening to madre or taking her advice in edcation
missed out on being an antrhopologits or a criminal lawyer

3.trusting few idoits who call themselves friends
missed out on the ones who really were

4.not saving enough for rainy day
still waiting to save for that car

so ,if i were given a choice to live my life again I would and make a path that leads to vinod and few others and then live happily ever after.

Don’t KILL yourself

Second page of TOI bangalore “IIM – B girl commits suicide” this is after her boyfriend dumped her and changed updated his status message to “feeling super cool today,dumped my new ex-girl friend.happy independence day”.

A website said that estimated 100000 commit suicide in India every year and it contributes to 10% among the world numbers.It is a sad and terrible way to end life,killing oneself.I was talking to S on the phone and she was saying that when most of us hear something like that we say “what a dumb girl” or “who gave her the right to kill herself” and so on.I think it is valid,Agree most of us say this and think “why did that girl end her life this way?”.

I was disturbed by the news,because it was an end to a beautiful life.Is there a way of prevention? Yes there are a number of websites and help lines available today.They have counseling sessions not only for the person who wants to.But,also for the parents,family and friends around.They help you deal with it and not make you adjust with life.Rather they make you accept life with a new look and a positive go ahead.

Many of the young ones today or even the older generation are facing pressure in ever aspect of life.
>good marks
>great job
>study pressure
>love failure
>parents pressure
>spouse pressure
>failure in life

The above are few such points that i think where people end up killing themselves.These things can be resolved with proper understanding and care.If you know someone like this and cannot help then in your own way.Look for professional help and take them there.Trust me you will thank yourself for making and taking this decision.

My mother always says that no child is born dumb or smart or intelligent.She says that all of us are born with the same brain that helps us survive in this world.So,it is up to the parents and the society to nurture that brain and turn in into a “beautiful mind”.If you heart is broken it too can be mended,it may not be the same ever.But,with proper guidance it will turn that hurt into a lesson learnt for good!

My silent prayer for

Malini Murmu
23 years

Not my Problem

What is it with “it is a problem between husband a wife and we are not supposed to interfere”

The newspapers here have been reporting the tiff between and film star and his wife and a ban on the actress who supposedly caused the whole rift.So the Industry promptly bans the actress and then goes to the star and empathizes with him.Let me tell you that the star in question was someone who beat his wife,tore her clothes and threatened her at gun point.He also tried to throw his nine month old from a bridge or a building once and here we have people forgetting this and saying “it is a personal issue,so let them solve it”.Really?.The wife who is the victim went to withdraw the FIR and told the cops that she slipped and fell in the bathroom.Now,tell me if these are the stories in Film land,then there is no point of writers and drama.All you have to do is go to some house,sit with popcorn and enjoy the show and then if the star kills the wife in real life,say”it is their personal problem you see”.

Let me tell you it is not easy to get out of a physical relationship that easily and if you do get out,it takes ages to recover mentally.But,the point is get out.Many times the lawyer tells the husband and wife to compromise and get back to normal.So,it is ok that after 6 months of normalcy the person gets targeted and beaten again? and then come the elders of the family and also the ones who think they are doing their best in keeping the scarcity of marriage alive and making themselves the self made gyan gurus.

Is it ok for a man or a women to go through torture in a marriage? Isn’t the word marriage supposed to be a harmony between two people and not something that otherwise.How many have us heard stories about friends mothers beating beaten and fathers being taken to court for no fault of theirs?Yes,my point here is why does not one come to rescue in a domestic abuse problem? Why does everyone say that it is between wife and husband?What would happen to you when the same abuse starts at your house?

I saw a tamil move recently called Eeram.The husband kills the wife and then she comes back to take revenge.Now,she kills this lady,her neighbor.You know why? when she was alive the husband was doubting thomas and comes to this neighbor to check if his wife was sleeping with anyone or was any man coming to visit his wife.The lady in questions says yes and says that there is a man who comes to visit your wife everyday.Now,the husband goes back and promptly kills the wife.Tell me this, even if it was a man coming to visit her,could that man not be a father,brother or a friend and what business does this lady have to tell him in a very “i am pure,your wife is not”way about some harry? In fact she should tell him to stop doubting his wife or he would have to live life without balls.

Please pray the the future generation has the guts and the sense to get out of abusive relationship and the ones who are living in it should not call themselves victims.But,get out and call the psycho who was abusing them a victim of low self esteem!Please,if your a victim,ask for help from anyone and trust yourself to believe that you are the best and no one is superior to you.

what am I?

is there a reason for all of to live? is it OK to while away time and not to anything substantial? no name,no fame nothing? is it alright for us to look at others who achieve something and say “well that was her,not me”?.

I have been doing nothing for the past 5 years,i am married and a mother of 2 kids.that is my claim to fame.Everyone around me says that i am talented,have the potential.However,why does it not occur to me?So,i do not think i am lame,infact i respect my self immensely and know that i am special in many ways.Here is the thing,when i was a kid,my friend R used to put awesome muggu(rangoli,kolam) in our neighborhood and was praised by one and all.Me,i was not even sure if i could draw a straight line.Then later as a teenager i say many of my friends and cousins discussing what they want to be in life and i was never bothered.I was too much of a dreamer.Then i got myself a job and did well.But,here is the thing i quit in between as i was bored to death and this pattern went on for many years.Many job later,i knew my calling was creativity,so i joined films,there too i quit.then a play and few more plays and the boredom got me again!

Now,i do all the housework,take care of my kids and V.But,i know something is missing,i am trying a way to find out my niche in life and if this too late then that too will be figured.

thoughts are provoking and this one today is done a great job i say!

Screwed up?

I wanted to talk to a friend today,tried her number and that was off.I then called my amma and spoke to her for a bit and felt better.Now here is the deal, I am pretty pissed off with this friend.I am in the same city that she is visiting and 2 days and no calls nothing.I did not even know that she was here.But,thanks to FB i am updated.

Sometimes and just many times V says I overreact and except a lot.but,then I say when you give the same,you expect the same.Some say don’t except and I say hell, I do.That is how I am made and I am not willing to change few things in me.Like how to change? say “oh i do matter to them”?.Once I got to know the same friend had a major fight with her hubby and called this other common friend.I got to know,cause the common friend slipped tongue and then i asked lets say X,why she did not tell me about the fight?.Then immediately X called the common friend while i was there and i think asked her not to tell me much.Well that hurt as I consider this one X as few of my good friends.

X is also good friend with this one friend Y who thought I had ego and was jealous and said it straight to me and also used to walk out every time was in a party or a common ground.I spoke to this one patiently and told her that she has a problem and to deal with it.X at that time told me that Y was stupid to say that and btw I was the one who introduced X to Y.Now after what Y said about me,X id great friends with Y and i just cannot fathom on how X invites both of us to the same do.I am sorry i cannot ignore and it just does not get comfortable.Over the month I realized that Y is a good friend and we back as friends but not the same as we were 😦
Now i think it is high time i give up all these relations and just stay “chill” as my mind and body is.There you go my frustration is out 🙂