my parents are my kids

read an article about a week ago about how it is be a daughter of ageing parents and that got me thinking and writing.

As a daughter i always thought of my parents to be super humans (yes even though i am 36,i still do think that way),never imagined a day where i would be sitting in an ambulance with dad strapped to machines and a nurse constantly checking his pulse. it was a day full of machines and doctors and medicines. the day my father became so vulnerable, he was in the ICU and was strapped to a machine that reads his pulse going from 74 to 134 and to an oxygen mask,two bottles of saline going into his delicate hands and to top it all a chemo that went from better to worse. here i was in a room full of strangers staring at the strong man,who even in that condition was smiling at me and not letting me break down. he was so strong and was so in the father role, his eyes did not blink for a second when i was around. he kept on telling me,that he is going to be ok. 

there at home my mother was cooking for my kids and doing everything in her state to be calm, every time i called her to tell her “ma,nana is ok” she would turn around and tell me “don’t worry,everything happens for a reason”. she was keeping up the face for me,her daughter and she was going through an emotional battle inside. she was making sure i was fine and was in a position to handle her husband and my father. she was trying not to think of a son she lost and trying not to think about how he would have been as a rock to support her. that day and that moment,the only thing she tuned her mind to was her husband getting better and her daughter getting him home. see,even here. she tells me ” go have food and tell nana to rest till you come back”.

how do they do that,our parents? how do they become these super humans? i used to ask myself. then i realised that one day we all become them and they in turn become the ones who look into our eyes and say “take this torch and carry it forward”. these days i am the one who tells them to stop fighting with each other and watch T.V in silence, I am the one who decides what they get to wear when they go out. I took my father shopping the other day and bought him underwear and pyjamas! I am the one who forces my mother to go for a walk and will not hear a no! how did we become parents to our own parents and when?!

nothing prepares you to be a daughter to your elderly parents. you just go with the flow and fit the shoes. i am glad that i have both of them with me today and glad that i have many more years to learn from them.

amma and nana gave up their dreams and ambitions for me,my mother like every other mother in the world, worked 24/7 to give my brother and me a great life and brought us up to be good human beings,she traveled back and forth for 6 hours everyday  to work, just so that she would give us the life she thought we deserved and she did it like a BOSS!.My father took up the rest and made sure we were always happy and content in what we had. He took up cooking, so that amma could get a break and was the face to greet us when we got back home with a hot cuppa tea and pakodas 🙂

the time has come for me to become the strength for them, to give them everything that i can give,to provide for them in the best way possible. I am indebted to them for life and i will serve them till the last day,the last breath and till my last thought. my parents are immortal and so are yours.

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mother and child and the teacher called life

Being a mother is the toughest, the most satisfying role and a very emotional one. I often keep thinking what is the right way or parenting and what is the wrong. seeing my friends and family and seeing how they treat their kids has always been a fascination for me. this is the time I get to check and take away those precious lessons.

my elder son who is 10 now has taught me numerous times that being a parent is a learning experience. he is always adjusting to my needs and is someone who never demands too much of my time. however, my younger on (who is soon going to be the middle child) is very demanding. he needs me next to him 24/7 and is always on his toes. like last night, it took me 3 hours from 9 pm to 12 am to put him into bed.

from the elder one I learnt to be more relaxed and appreciate the life around me and from the younger one I learnt to be alert and also active, both in a way are the yin and yang energy in my life.

Kids teach us many things and when we try and pick up those signs, it works wonders. Like the younger one (lets call him YE) and the OE were watching T.V, they started to fight and the OE called the YE a bad boy. my YE immediately looked at his brother and said ” don’t call me bad boy,it is a bad word”. I was amazed at the four year old’s thought process. in a way and actually in every way what he said was correct. instead of calling him a bad boy, all the OE had to do was tell him that what he was doing was wrong and find way to set it right.

sometime ago while my YE was playing with his cousin, both of them got tired of each other and started to fight over toys. YE refused to share his toys with his cousin. I did not go near them as kids learn to deal with each other and sometimes it is better not to interfere. so someone looked at my YE and this someone is very close to him and said “if you do not share toys with your cousin, i will not talk to you”. my YE felt very sad and reluctantly shared his toys with his cousin. I did not like this and was not in a position to point out the mistake made by the elder. However, i did tell YE that he has to learn on how to share his things and sometimes it is OK not to and never ever listen to someone who makes you sad. It was difficult to explain to a 4 year old about emotional blackmail,I hope to soon very soon.

parenting is a choice that we made, when we first saw that positive line on the stick or when that blood test came positive. we made a choice to bring someone into this world and we need to make sure that give it our best.

you are empowered and you should know that.

There are times that I wonder, if the mindset of humans towards women has been like this right from the beginning? or was it just over the last 100 years or so?

Trust me there is a strong reason for me to  say or think so. See, I live in a community and it is filled with women and men and children. However what I get to hear and see is mostly the lives of women who live in it. For me, as an individual the bias system seems so passe! See, there was never a time or place that I was made to feel like I was a burden or a robot who has to listen to people tell me how to dress? what to eat? how to sleep? what to read? and thanks to my upbringing I never thought that I was weak or some random gender.

But, I realized that the world i was living in is not the same as outside. So, there is a women who is asked to wear only a sari at her home and nothing else is good. She is someone who was never used to wearing one and now that is all she has to wear. It might seem too  small a reason to melt and get all angry. But, what is the point in someone being asked to do what you want and not what they want to do? the only time she does wear one, is when her in laws are out of town or family is out on a town trip. Really, you might call it adjustment,i call it stupidity. I mean look at it, just because she wears a sari does not make her a true Indian bahu, nor wearing a salwar will turn her into a modern monster.

Also, men beating women and abusing them is so common, even in a society like mine. I heard a women cry the other day and wanted to jump in a kick the hell out of the man. however, the talk is that she is ok with it. the reason – he does that only when drunk. wtf is that? why would you want your body to go through pain and live a life with him. would you not rather get out, stand on your feet and make something better of yourself. I know that all of us look for support system and need someone to say that we are there for you. but, how long does one have to wait for someone else to help you? if you do not help yourself, then no one can.

the world that  we live in is not a kind one, it is not safe either. however, that world is not something we choose personally, you and I were born into it. But the world that you and I create around us, is what keeps us sane and happy. So, am i thinking wrong or is it ok to face the shitty world where man can beat a women and a family can dictate what you wear and who you talk to?

there has to be a reason why it all goes wrong and sometimes the reason can be another person and not you. if you surround yourselves with a.holes then stop it now. for you are the most special person in this world and you need to be treated with respect. 

I am promise to be there for you and for many like you and there are shelters who can help you stand on your own two feet. I am hoping this is read by those who need courage to take that step and leave the distressed world behind them. who ever you are, there is help, please look for it or ask for it,scream for it and it will come.

If you feel you need time, then take one step at a time and then take that giant leap towards a better tomorrow.

10 years have run by!

Yesterday my friend Mrs.Shetty took us out to lunch. There we were, after juggling burgers and french fries, sitting in the food court,surrounded by kids and happy eating our awesome and mouth watering chola batura. I just turned my head to the left and my eyes fell upon 23 year old’s , how did i know they were 23? you just now it when you are 33 looking at 23.

Here we were in our comfotabe jeans and the ever so happy kurtas and there they were in their comfortable short capris and curvelicious tops and that made me think. What has changed in the past decade? 10 years and after a godknowshowmany ministers,buildings,roads,metros,smartphones,kids,senior citizens,kfc’s,malls,zumba classes have cropped up.

What has changed I asked myself (aloud this time) in the morning, as i was calling Mrs.Jain. Asking her recipe for Chilla for breakfast. 

1. That has definitely changed, when i was 23 I never called up anyone and  never has to ask anyone on how to make chilla or upma or idli or poori or for that matter breakfast. Now all i think of  and see clearly in front of my eyes early in the morning in BIG, BOLD RED LETTERS is this word BREAKFAST?

WEEKEND

2. That word does not make any difference to me anymore. When i was 23 that W word was a big thing. After slogging my butt off at work, my friends would plan the weekend on Monday. We would get up when we please,eat what we please, yespleasegetdrunk.Decide which pub to hit and what book to read on a lazy Sunday morning. Now it is the same day of the week,every day of the week. The only thing that i think that has changed is, I have a hubby and 2 kids and a maid to cook for and to look after. Even if V and I want to plan or go out,we would wonder how to manipulate the children and make them think that parents can disappear like magic and appear anytime,anywhere.

SILENCE

3. Silence, the court is in session! that were very random dialogue in movies. But now, i want someone like that in my house.Some one who can announce, Silence,D is in session(which can be anything right from reading,to bathroom time,to me sitting in the front room and staring at the peeling wall) When I was 23 I had earned my right to silence. I was no longer at my parents house. I lived in my own place and that was a boon. We room mates could just…shush the other person and say ” i need space and silence” and they would understand. No one would go non stop, deethi why are you silent,what is wrong,what is being silent mean?. How can i be silent and when the little one screaming his arse off in the background, the  maid asking me what is the difference between butter and cheese and the plumber telling me “madam ji, you bathroom flush is old and you need to change it, so givemethemoneynow,or i will not leave this door until i savetheplanet and earnmyself some money from you……..so on and so forth….SILENCE.

Yes there is a huge change in body,mind and soul from 23 to 33. However would i change something or anything? nah, bring on the multitasking breed of 33 out and enzay(which means enjoy)

My Summer Vs Kids Summer

There are certain things in Today’s household with growing kids that make you wonder if missed out on all these during our own childhood. these things can be words,things and emotions. I am going to randomly name them and you go figure.

Ipad – my kids cannot fathom the idea that mommy and daddy lived with an ipad while growing up. ” how did you play angry birds then”? they ask, We say, we just went a pulled a couple of twigs out of the nest or stole the eggs and the angry birds where everywhere.

Printer – ” how could you not have a color printer”? we did have color printers and those we known as hands and crayons and paper cuttings.

Summer camps – ” what did you do during summer”?, well we spent time playing hopscotch,hide and seek and then we would camp on the guava tree and while away summer.

Yougurt in a box – ” “what you telling me curds were made at home”? Beta, we still do that and those vanilla, raspberry, strawberry flavors were changed to sugar and sugar and once in a while a box of.. no wait a thing paper box filled with the most delicious ice cream.

Then my son goes, you never had a swimming pool in school????????????!!!!!!!!! and I say ” I did have it and it was called the tank that held our tap water and we would swim in it(in our own heads)

Did you know that schools these days so not have the good old water tank, the ones where water would come out in those brass taps. These days they have water coolers and plastic cups or in some schools ever kids gets his or her own glass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know that the Soda wala that would come everyday during summer with Ice soda,goli soda,orange soda is missing in action and the last I saw him,he was making do with all color soda packed into a Rs.150 bottle and called it traditions sold in style!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you know that the bandi wala outside our schools, the one who used to sell, raw mangoes,cut and plastered with chili and salt, the regi pallu ( the brown colored berries) that they would wrap up in paper and give us,those tiny white candies,orange candies and all??? that guy and bandi have gone extinct 😦

I know, i know Zamana naya hai and all that, but I miss my childhood and this new gen childhood is not for me and I am hoping and praying and asking God for strength and my soda wala for the goli soda.

 

Mother hood ka Fight.

My “motherhood” tag is keeping me alive for a while now. I have come to conclusion that it comes with it’s special powers and it works always. I always used to wonder how my mother had super powers and then one day Voila I discovered the joy of those hidden in me and popping out every now and then and then every year,month,day…oh you get it.

I want to watch my fav sitcom at 9 pm and all i have to say is “get to your room now and hit the bed” no questions asked.” eat that cabbage or i will put it in the fridge and feed it to you for breakfast” 

But I realized that the kids are smart,very smart and very capable of twisting these powers. for eg  I asked my older one to turn in, so that i could watch T.V. The next thing i know that he was on the Ipad and watching some cartoon. His answer ” younger one wanted attention and i had to give it to him,while you are watching T.V”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell older one ” have a bath and do not sit in the bathtub”, he is in the bathtub and with the younger one ” younger one wanted to have a bath too” is the answer.

Go play outside, he is outside the door, right outside and waiting for the younger one to see him and cry and make a fuss. So, that this smart ass can come back in and sit his arse down on the sofa.

So everyday in my house there is this constant fight for those super powers and I am not ready to give them in yet. So, I tell my kid, I am your mother and beta,when I tell you listen up ad for all those smart comments you made in the past few days,there is a gift waiting for you on the table. Fresh and yummy cabbage salad!

when one runs!

One day a girl and her girl friend ran away from home.They went to a supermarket and ate all the cakes and drank all the juices and said thank you to the owner and walked away.the owner smiled at them and said bye bye babies.(they have no clue that they had to pay and he though they were with adults who will pay later)

Then they went to another shop and asked that uncle if they can sit here and watch the traffic.that uncle said yes and after an hour,he got three other kids from somewhere.they all played and ate and then went through the back door to another land.where there was a big house with lots of tress and a beautiful house.the auntie there gave the girls a bath and while telling them a bed time story asked the girls to tell a story about their parents.the girls did and then went off to sleep.

in the morning,the girls woke up and promptly ran into their parents arms.the excited parents gave a slap or two and then the parents took auntie and uncle and their kids and us and themselves to zoo.

that night the girls slept in their own houses and never ever got to know the name of those wonderful people who sheltered them and protected them.

 

I wonder where they are,as every time i pass that colony(vikrampuri in secunderabad, circa -1987)  and  try desperately to look for the house and cannot remember the street.But,where you are,you were my first guardian angels on earth 🙂